| lyrics to How to Be Happy All the Time
How to Be Happy All the Time
How to be happy all the time
How to be happy all the time
Stick a kitten in your mouth,
It goes quite well with wine
This is how you're happy all the time!
"How can you be happy all the time?"
you say.
"Is there some disease inside your mind?"
You may not like my answer, but it's all I
can divine:
I'm happy to be happy all the time!
This album is dedicated to my older brother Steve,
For all those Saturday nights,
When he could have been out with his friends,
He babysat me...
And tripped acid, and covered me
with small pieces of Scotch tape
And pulled them off slowly and painfully,
as I woke up screaming.
This is how you're happy all the time,
This is how you're happy all the time!
Bob Newhart
I'm five years old and I'm full of lust
I'm five years old and I'm full of lust
I'm five years old and I'm full of lust
'Cause the Bob Newhart show is on TV!
I'm five years old and I don't understand
What makes me love you, little man?
Is it the bags below your eyes?
Your sunken butt, your bony thighs?
Your awesome lack of confidence,
You're sexy but it makes no sense
I'd carve my love for you in gold
But shit I'm only five years old.
I'm five years old and I'm lying in bed
But thoughts of you run through my head
I must get up, it's not allowed,
But dammit, I must have you now
So I sneak down past the living room,
Past Mom & Dad in their Michelob doom
Turn on the tube, glowing bright,
How can something so wrong feel so right?
There you are Bob, on TV
My hunka hunka burnin' love MD
I can't help but feel a little jealousy
Of your erudite, gorgeous wife, Emily
Oh why can't I have you?
I could make you happy
I'm small, but I ain't no slouch
But you see, I'm only five, and I don't know
what to do
So I end up humping the couch.
Smoking Grandma
I've got two grandmas, they're as different
as night and day
One goes to church, bakes cakes and pies,
loves to crochet
The other one wears polyester slacks
with platform pumps and
Teal blue hair swept up in a tight, tight beehive...
And she smokes.
Smoking Grandma
Puffin' on Lucky Strikes all day
Smoking Grandma
Loves me as much as her favorite ashtray!
Smoking Grandma
Ain't bad looking for her age
Though it's hard to see her features through the haze.
She smoked before she even began to menstruate
Outlived four husbands: Dickie, Joe, Curly and Nate
She'll fix me dinner and so as not to seem rude
I'll discreetly pick the butts out of my food.
Smoking grandma
Don't let her get near gas stations or hay
Smoking grandma
Or she'll become my granny flambé!
Smoking grandma
What should you get her every year for her birthday?
Well, here's a hint: she's come a long way, babay
My grandma wants to be cremated, and this part
makes me sweat
She wants her ashes rolled up into 20 cigarettes
And placed in a pack of them Lucky Strikes that she
so loves to drag
Boy, my grandma makes John Wayne
look like a fag.
Smoking grandma
As far as grandmas go, hot dang! She is the bestest!
Smoking grandma
Her dentures are made of pure asbestos!
Smoking grandma
An inspiration to us all;
Thank Christ she never cared for alcohol.
(that guy’s gonna end up)
Smacking you Around
He's handsome
In an quite intriguing way
He's classy
And he never lets you pay
But if he thinks Limp Bizkit's lyrics are profound
This guy might end up smacking you around
He's caring
Rescues kittens caught in trees
He's kindly
Carries old ladies' groceries
And if he likes to pull his pud
to beach aerobics shows
You'll prob'ly end up with a crooked nose.
Ladies, don't be stupid
There's a sick fuck on the loose
And his name is: Cupid!
He's tender
Like a Black Angus Filet
He's romantic
And he's good to you all day
But if he won't sleep with you until you've
shaved your mound,
This man might end up smacking you around.
And if every time he's photographed he goes like this
Wait. Turn around. All the way. Show us your good side!
He's the kind of guy who might beat you senseless.
Oh, love....
Have a Baby!
Listen up sisters I've got some cheerful news
About what to do if you get caught with the blues.
So if you're lost inside your life
And you're still nobody's wife
And you've got no education
And no self-estimation
And you can't afford a new pair of shoes
Here's one thing you can do:
Have a baby.
Have a baby.
It's easy and fun!
Have a baby.
Go on, try one.
I used to think that there was nothing I could do.
I couldn't sign my name, and I couldn't add 2 plus 2.
But then behind the dumpsters at the Pancake House
This guy I was banging forgot to pull out
And nine months later --UNGH!
There was no doubt
That someone was the daddy of my
Brand new Baby!
A brand new baby.
Still has no name...
A brand new baby.
Grandma takes care of him!
Now just 'cause I'm a mommy, don't think
I never have no fun.
She has a ton
I like to go on benders like a sailor
during World War I.
But you know how you wake up
in some stranger's dive
And you can't remember where you parked
your car last night?
Well now I always find my car, 'cause
guess what I left inside?
Sleeping in the back seat...
My little baby.
My little baby.
Beacon of hope
My little baby.
Watches my back
One day we'll party together.
Well my baby's been the most exciting
chapter of my life.
Except for when I held up that AM/PM with a knife.
So if you're seeing 22 different guys
And you just got another DWI
And the most nutritious food that you eat is Spam
And you've still got relatives in the Klan
And the State took your other 10 kids away...
Girl, what else can I say?
Have more babies!
Have more babies!
Keep them like pets
Have more babies!
'Cause sometimes they die
And you gotta have some extras.
Gun Control Solutions
Oh it's so hard to be a parent these days
Sex, booze, and drugs and holy Christ, is my kid gay?
I'm not a parent yet, but may I suggest
That every mom and dad please hear
my humble request:
Lock up your goddamned guns,
I don't wanna get blown away by your sons.
If spending time with your kid is so hard, then
Bury the frigging firearms in the back yard.
Lock up your goddamn guns,
I don't wanna get splattered into chunks by your sons.
Now one of you's a partner and the other's a VP
You've got your sheetrock mansion in
a planned community.. Congratulations!
Hey! This could be your act of charity to humankind:
To keep the Smith & Wesson in a place
young Chip won't find...
Lock up your goddamned guns,
I don't wanna get blown away by your sons.
If you keep that shit well hid
I won't get torn a new asshole by your latchkey kid.
Better yet, get rid of them all
That way my brains won't be sprayed on the wall.
Every day this planet becomes a scarier place
Extremist violence is a worldwide disgrace
There's got to be a way to stop this terrorist abuse
I know! Let's have a war and put
our young killers to use:
Parents, pack up your guns,
Drop them off at the Army along with your sons.
If we ship them overseas,
I won't have to deal with bullets lodged in my kidneys.
So gather up all your guns
It's a happy ending for even your sons!
Plastic Surgery Wagon
Have you seen my vending truck
A-Rollin' down the street?
Well it rolls all over this great land,
wherever there's a need
It don't sell books or clothes, hot dogs or ice cream
But it's changing the face of the nation-- cosmetically.
My Plastic Surgery Wagon
Will make you look like a star!
It's just like buying an ice cream bar,
But you pay a lot more money and you get a scar.
You can tell where the where the wagon's been
It's not too discreet
We'll leave the whole town without an ounce of cellulite
And the bloody, bandaged people lying in the street.
Mommies don't waste your food stamps
On those useless groceries
Cash them in to me,
And you'll have the down payment
For your Rhinoplasty
My Plastic Surgery Wagon
Is coming to your neighborhood
Not everybody wants to get it done
But everybody should!
You can tell where the where the wagon's been
The neighborhoods it hits:
Look for the skinny, skinny mommy with the
Gore-Tex lips
And her prepubescent children with
enormous tits.
Now the saddest thing I've ever seen
Is a fat kid chasing down the ice cream truck
But tomorrow's tykes
Will be a-runnin' to that truck for
Liposculpture and a tummy tuck.
My Plastic Surgery Wagon
A friend to every race
Anyone can look like Cher!
Let us fix your face.
The Plastic Surgery Wagon's coming
And no one is immune
To the promise of perfection in the siren's lure
Of its signature tune:
"Oh did you happen to see the most
beautiful girl in the world?"
Internet Porn Polka
I like to go on the internet and look at porn
But I don't do it in the usual way
I go to Communicator, drop down to Tools,
and then click once
On the History list my husband leaves each day.
Now don't think I'm the kind of person
who likes to spy
I accidentally found this awful smut.
While looking for that autopsy website
I'd been to once
I scrolled down onto "Horny Lesbo Sluts"
And in a long list, in order of Most Recently Visited,
I found:
Gang-banging amateurs and exhibitionists,
And sex with dogs and cats and ah,
those chicks with dicks!
And hungry Black and Asian butthole queens,
and of course
Cocksucking teens.
I must admit to feelin' guilty 'bout sniffin' round
In the e-trails my loved one leaves behind
But now I've started, I just can't stop it,
although I've tried
'Cause I've got "Messy Cumshots" on my mind
Hollywood Shitbox
I'm flat broke but life is good
In my shitbox apartment house in Hollywood
Where the kids run wild 'cause mom's
getting high
And every day daddy is a brand new guy!
And we all live together and life is good
In our shitbox building in Hollywood.
My neighbor Lucy is a real gem
She starts drinking at 10 AM
Then she yells at the TV, then she takes a nap
'Til her boyfriend comes home and gives her
the clap
And I shouldn't brag, but life is grand
In our crack coke condo in Hollywoodland.
I've got two cats and I'll tell you why
One throws up, the other licks it dry.
And that's less cleaning for me.
I like to run around naked like a bumblebee!
And everything works out as it should
In my Mental Health Nightmare in Hollywood.
Now I know what you're thinking:
Gee, how can I
Get myself a place in that pigsty?
Well, I'm so sorry, but I confess
I ain't gonna give you the address.
'Cause if everyone moves in, that can't be good
For my 3rd world shantytown, one-bedroom Gomorrah,
rotted drywall, toxic mold, chickenwire ceilings,
glass in the mattress, cockroach pets,
piss in the carpet, blood on the driveway bargain...
in Hollywood
where people whore themselves more than they should...
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