This is my Late-Night Naughty Diary, updated daily! Do you like the larger font? At the bottom of the page is a link to past diaries. Enjoy! XXOO -- Rachole
Sept. 14, 2005 - Some Really Funny Things Wrong with Europe
#1: Spent yesterday morning waiting on the floor for an hour at the immigration office here. One thing governments around the world seem to have in common, from Third World banana republics like the United States to advanced democracies like Spain, is a complete disregard for the environs in which millions of people are condemned to spend many hours of their time. From the poor slobs waiting for residency cards to the poor drones who have to hand them out.
Here's proof, taken in the Spanish immigration office. Scraggly hand-lettered construction paper signs stuck to the wall with peeling, dirty cellophane tape . . . dingy fluorescent light . . . NOwhere to relieve yourself . . . it's the same no matter where you go.
Okay, that wasn't funny at all. I was just looking for an excuse to post the picture for which I almost threw away my legal status. This, however, may make up for it:
#2.
In Europe -- like some parts of Queens -- a lot of people just don't get it that blackface (or, in this case, "blackbody" and "white paint over blackface") is wrong. But these people look like Amazons or something... so is it still blackface? They're wearing brown unitards too. Is it kosher if you wear blackface but paint white over it? What if you are black but paint yourself up like an Amazon -- are you allowed? Does wearing bones, shells and grass skirts help or hurt your case?
I dunno. Though it may not be a black-or-white issue (sorry, couldn't get around saying it), it still seems completely, hilariously wrong to me. Why do you think I took the picture in the first place? Because there's something terribly, horribly wrong with it, that's why. Thanks, funny and shameless people of Barcelona!
Sept. 12, 2005 - I've Noticed...
...how much the President enjoys using the phrase "hard work," especially around Black people. That and "Make no mistake about it" are definitely his all-time favorites.
But when natural disaster hits, "hard work" definitely takes the lead over "make no mistake." Especially in this case, 'cause, well, you know. How can the President tell everyone else to not to make a mistake when all he's been doing is fucking up?
NEW ORLEANS, Sept 12 (Reuters) - He saw damaged houses, downed trees and fetid, black and gray floodwaters.
"We've got a lot of work to do, a whole lot of work to do," said Bush, accompanied on his tour by New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco...
Is it even legal for a President to say stuff like that when he's just returned from a 6-week vacation?
Happy September 11th
The poor Catalans. In Catalunya, September 11th is their national day. It's like the 4th of July. The Catalans are a proud and stubborn people, and every time someone says, "Why don't you change your National Day to September 12th or October 11th? I mean, didn't Bin Laden totally fuck it up and shit?" they just get mad.
"That would be letting the Spanish win," they say, shaking their olive oil-and-tomato-smeared fists and spilling cava all over themselves.
I was wondering about this every time they talked about the toxic, disease-and-chemical contaminated water flooding New Orleans ... and especially when they talked about pumping it right back into Lake Ponchartrain. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to blast that shit off into space and pray it never falls back to earth, just like they do every time they launch a space shuttle? But since the Bush Administration is in charge, I'm frankly surprised they're not putting that water into plastic jugs and selling it to school cafeterias.
Cover-up: toxic waters 'will make New Orleans unsafe for a decade'
By Geoffrey Lean / The Independent
Toxic chemicals in the New Orleans flood waters will make the city unsafe for full human habitation for a decade, a US government official has told The Independent on Sunday. And, he added, the Bush administration is covering up the danger.
In an exclusive interview, Hugh Kaufman, an expert on toxic waste and responses to environmental disasters at the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), said the way the polluted water was being pumped out was increasing the danger to health...
... The EPA has not been included in the core White House group tackling the crisis. "Its budget has been cut and inept political hacks have been put in key positions," Mr Kaufman said. "All the money for emergency response has gone to buy guns and cowboys - which don't do anything when a hurricane hits. We were less prepared for this than we would have been on 10 September 2001."
He said the water being pumped out of the city was not being tested for pollution and would damage Lake Pontchartrain and the Mississippi river, and endanger people using it downstream. Read the whole thing
Sickening.
But Happy September 11th. We've come a long way.
Sept. 10, 2005 - Could I Have Been FEMA Director? Pt. 2.
Okay, so today they yanked the guy out of the Gulf Coast. Didn't fire him, though. Just sent Michael Brown packing to Washington to, I dunno, make more construction paper models of cities or maybe those Thanksgiving Turkey figures you can make by putting your palm down on paper, fingers spread, and tracing it. Yep, there's still lots that needs to be done!
The bad news doesn't stop. Now the Washington Post says that 5 out of 8 of the FEMA directors are all buddies of Bush . . . Oh yeah. And they're all completely unqualified.
I just can't get over it. Of all the departments to pack full of incompetent cronies, after 9-11, after the Iraq war, after the London and the Madrid bombings. Why not put these useless people in the "Marriage Support Department" or whatever that silly federal agency's called that Bush created with taxpayer money to "promote the institution of marriage." Well, not for everyone, of course -- only marriage between a man and a woman. What I'm saying is, why couldn't the Bush Administration at least engage in corruption without killing thousands of people on the Gulf Coast? You know what I mean: compassionate corruption.
I mean, again, I keep going back to examples from my own life. When I lived in Hollywood, I got a waitressing job at the Baked Potato jazz club on Sunset. I'm a horrible waitress. I've got no memory, no organizational skills, and I can't count money. One night all the wait staff started oohing and aahing: "Ooh, James Ingram is in the audience! He's here to watch the show! Who's got his section?"
I'll tell you who had his section: me. And guess who ended up taking James Ingram's baked potato order ... and then completely failed to communicate the order to the kitchen? (Yes, it's true, that's all they serve -- about 20 different kinds of baked potatoes. I think he ordered the "steak potato.") Guess whose fault it was when James Ingram ended up waiting 2 hours for his baked potato dinner? Guess who had to endure the laser-blasting dirty looks of James Ingram's ultra-irritated wife? (It was, like Chertoff says, an "ultra-catastropheTM"!)
But wait, there's more. Guess who then fucked up the check that, naturally, Jame's Ingram's wife was paying, and made them wait even longer to leave? And guess who didn't get one iota of a tip?
What the hell was my point? Aagh, I don't remember. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, I'm going to bed.
Sept. 9, 2005 - Could I Have Been the Director of FEMA? I also have no qualifications, and have been asked to leave past jobs too.
More to add the list of Bush Inc. incompetents: the FEMA photographer & lighting guy.
There's just so much I don't understand after the Hurricane Katrina disaster, and maybe I never will. So I'll just focus on one little thing thats been bugging the shit outta me 'cause I just can't wrap my mind around it: the hiring of Michael Brown as head of Federal Emergency Management Agency.
Everyone 's now well aware that the guy had no qualifications, no experience at all, blah blah blah. Before joining the Bush Team, he was a lawyer for the International Arabian Horse Association. And he was "asked to leave" for "a series of supervision failures" -- wait, maybe this was good training for the FEMA job!.
Michael Brown got the FEMA director job because he was an old college buddy of the last FEMA director, who also had no qualifications, as he was appointed to the job after working at Bush's 2000 campaign manager. Which I can totally understand. You know, disaster relief on a nationwide scale -- what's the big deal? It's not like it involves a ton of responsibility or anything! It's not like being a babysitter, or working weekends at the Dairy Queen. Seriously, have you ever seen all the families that show up on Saturday nights for the Peanut Buster Parfaits? Now that is some bullshit!
Emergency Management? Anyone could do it with their eyes closed while listening to Oprah. It's just a bunch of words. Federal Emergency Management Agen... (yawn) wake me up when the boring part's over. Knowing the President, he probably never stopped to think of what all that gobbledygook means. Why would he? Why should he? Why do you think he's the President? So he wouldn't have to learn boring stuff that he doesn't wanna learn ... duh!
Everyone's trashing Brown 'cause, like, he's so trashable! Everything from that dull-eyed expression on his sedated, Cabbage-PatchTM face to the super-dumbass things he's said to the media just makes you wanna practice your boxing moves on him. But aside from his horrible performance, the burning question is really, how the hell was "Brownie" allowed to happen to America?
We know now: cronyism, the Old Boy network, the Frat Boy Buddy System. And that's what I can't get over. I understand throwing jobs to your friends or the friends-of-your-friends if you're, like, a rich-and-famous rock star with the cash to burn on creating a few insignificant "assistant" or "roadie" or "consultant" jobs for people who don't have any idea. I mean, that's generous. Did you see the movie about Ray Charles? That's what I mean!
But when you're the U.S. government, is there's no higher standard than just the President saying, "Uh, this guy's a good guy, he's cool." What the fuck?
Look at it this way: I can't even get a bartending job in New York City, L.A., or any major American metropolis where there are standards for such things. Why? It's simple: because I don't know how to bartend. And if I were to work as a bartender, it would quickly become evident that I don't know how to bartend, because the drinks would be shitty, I'd be losing money ... it would be a disaster. That's why I am not able to get a job as a bartender. Or a doctor. Or a mathematician. Shit, I temped for years in the corporate world and I couldn't even get jobs if I didn't know PowerpointTM! You mean to tell me that the standards for a $12-an-hour administrative assistant temp job are higher than those for the guy in charge of the lives of American citizens during a national catastrophe in an epoch of Red Terror Alerts?
Apparently so. I guess that, all this time, I've been hanging out with the wrong crowd. Well fuck me.
Good reading: Let the Dead Teach the Living by William Rivers Pitt
Soldier's Open Letter to George Bush "Your citizens are dying, and I personally hold you responsible for their lives. As the president, you are a public servant, NOT a king. Your job is to serve the people of the United States of America and to uphold the Constitution, not to preach your Biblical beliefs and to play golf. I’m sorry the hurricane disrupted your vacation. It must be awful for you, but I assure you, it’s far worse for the victims..." According to the website posting the letter, this soldier is facing court-martial for "getting caught" authoring this letter.
Sept. 7, 2005 - "Death & Devastation are Working Very Well for You Homeless Black Freeloaders!"
Sorry dears, I have a headache and can't perform right now. But I do wanna direct you to a fun rant, in an angry sorta way (what else do you expect these days?) by The News Blog.
Still, as fast as the world always seems to be changing and time passes us by, it's comforting to know that we can still count on some things to stay the same. The well-preserved Barbara Bush, besides continuing to look not a day over George Washington, is the same rancid old douche she was before.
Imagine as an infant suckling on that dry ol' bitter teat and you might end up an overgrown juvenile delinquent like the President too.
Sept. 5, 2005 - A Newly Motivated President Bush Warns of "Hard Work Ahead," Pledges to Save Cadavers
NEW ORLEANS, Aug 4 (Reuters) - Thousands of people are feared dead in the rubble of storm-shattered New Orleans, but at the New Orleans zoo only three of its 1,400 animals died in the wrath of Hurricane Katrina.
The famous Audubon Zoo has the good fortune of being located on some of the city's highest ground, but it also had a disaster plan for the animals that worked better than the city's plan for humans.
Well, it's nice that at least someone had their shit together.
Sept. 4, 2005 - Bureaucratic Murderers
Nobody told me there would be days like these,
Strange days indeed. -John Lennon
“Even the scripts of Sept. 11 commemorations next Sunday may have to be rewritten, as one of the most fundamental lessons Americans thought their leaders had learned - that mountains needed to be moved to prepare for the unexpected - seemed to some to have fallen short.” -The New York Times, 9-4-2005.
"Every official at the Federal Emergency Management Agency should be fired, Director Michael Brown especially." -The New Orleans Times-Picayune (See shocking Quicktime video of this idiot!) Read whole article
"We have been abandoned by our own country. Bureaucracy has committed murder here in the greater New Orleans area." -Aaron Broussard, Jefferson Parish President (see Quicktime video)
Can you imagine if President Bush had waited 4 days to show up at one of the World Trade -- no, not the World Trade Center, let's say the Pentagon, ‘cause the Pentagon had less casualties. Imagine if Bush had waited 4 days to show up at the Pentagon, and totally blew off the World Trade Center till, say, September 16th?
Yes, I'm asking you to imagine it: What if the President had never arrived at the WTC, never grabbed the fireman, never have taken a picture on The Pile? How would the people of New York, Washington, and America have responded to his performance? Surely not as positively as they did then. And many of them may not have reelected him in 2004. ‘Cause as we know, Bush shamelessly milked his Sept. 11th debut for everything he could get out of it during the last presidential campaign. And people seemed to buy it.
So is this why he didn’t bother coming down from that plane and taking a look around? ‘Cause he can’t run for President anymore and there was no electoral capital to get out of showing up in stinky, gross New Orleans? I mean, now that he's a teetotaler and all the party people there are, like, stranded or dead, what exactly would he get out of it? I'll tell ya: zip!
There will be more dead Americans from Hurricane Katrina than there were from 9-11. They’re guestimating at least 10,000. Many of these deaths could've been prevented if there'd been rescuers and supplies available immediately after the hurricane. Can you imagine if, at the World Trade Center, the firemen and rescue workers had waited 100 hours to start looking for people?
On September 11th, however, after the first day, people were already dead. Right now, in the New Orleans area, we still have people waiting for help. People going on their 7th day of starvation, their 7th day without medicine. Meanwhile, the President makes jokes about banging whores and getting wasted in New Orleans. Can you imagine him joking and chuckling on September 11th?
And if you say that there is no comparison because 9-11 was manmade and New Orleans was a natural disaster, you haven’t been reading the papers. Yes, there was a hurricane. But the broken levees and the flooding were completely manmade disasters caused by corporate greed and shifting their funding to the Iraq War. Ten thousand people have died not from an “act of God.” They died because of the decisions of greedy, powerful people who didn’t give a fuck.
"Does he smell his own bullshit when the President talks to God?"
-Bright Eyes 
Sept. 3, 2005 - A Desperate S.O.S.: George Has Run Out of Jokes!
This is a national emergency. And we need someone to get up off their asses and do something about it.
After six days of neverending death and despair on the Gulf Coast, the President of the United States has finally run out of jokes and is being forced to rely on leadership qualities and serious statements of fact in addressing the crisis.
These are not his strengths and the administration is perilously close to losing credibility. Therefore, we're pleading for anyone who is able to submit "comedy" material, to please fax it ASAP to the White House to the attention of Dan Bartlett, Bush's "communications strategist." Keep it light, just like the federal relief efforts.
Yesterday the President popped off what could possibly be the last "zinger" of the Hurricane Katrina crisis. At the New Orleans airport, filled with from thousands of survivors waiting to be evacuated from the city, the President joked about partying it up too much in New Orleans years ago, when he was an alcoholic cokehead. Sadly, the joke bombed. Of course, it could be argued that thousands of dehydrated, malnourished, exhausted, traumatized, grieving and gravely ill refugees are not his ideal crowd. Who let these deadbeats in the room, anyway?
Perhaps stung by criticism of his overly "folksy" demeanor, the President delivered a speech this morning from the Rose Garden that clearly reflected his new, "somber-is-the-new-casual" style:
I know that those of you who have been hit hard by Katrina are suffering. Many are angry and desperate for help. The tasks before us are enormous, but so is the heart of America. In America, we do not abandon our fellow citizens in their hour of need. And the federal government will do its part. Where our response is not working, we'll make it right. Where our response is working, we will duplicate it. We have a responsibility to our brothers and sisters all along the Gulf Coast, and we will not rest until we get this right and the job is done.
Ya know, I'm sorry if I've grown cynical towards the President´s promises. But at this point, with 5,000 people still waiting and dying on the freeway while waiting for help, with people still stranded on rooftops, with women getting raped and slashed when they go to use the public toilets in New Orleans ...
Well, there's not much President Bush could say at this point to impress me.
But you know what I'd love to hear him say? Do you really wanna know? Really? Okay, here it is.
"I'd blow Ex-President Clinton if it could bring back the City of New Orleans."
Sept. 2, 2005 - The Horror/Absurdity Capital of the World!
Hey, do you like horror stories? Well, we've got a batch for you today! No wonder Anne Rice chose New Orleans for her home ... because the place is truly horrific-alicious!
We got crippled cities without clean water, sewage systems, electricity, or real communications!
We got bodies floating everywhere, stretched out on lawns, in the streets, covered with blankets in wheelchairs!
Ya like stories about bands of armed, drug-crazed thugs who leave trails of bullet-ridden bodies behind them? People holed up inside their attics with water up to their necks, making desperate calls to the mayor's office for help? Critically ill people who've schlepped up to hospital rooftops, waiting for rescuers who never arrive? We got it! Don't forget: this is America. We're the best at everything! That's why all the other countries in the world are so, like, jealous of us!
Oh, and don't forget the old standby: the clueless world leader staring gaping-mawed out the windows of his private plane, just not getting it at all. Coming down to earth momentarily, but only to try to save his own ass with a few folksy, chuckling photo ops with idle emergency services workers before floating off into the ether again.
Of course, the clueless world leader must also make grossly insensitive comments that are just so over-the-top that you can't help but roll your eyes at the obviousness of the script. "Okay, we get it! He's the typical, insensitive, powerful asshole and he'll be eaten by zombies in the end as moral compensation. But does it have to be so vulgar?"
"We've got a lot of rebuilding to do. First, we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. And then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)"
I know it's clichéd stuff ... but it works, doesn't it? Nothing conveys the sense of doom as effectively as a flippant monologue from the bumbling asshole leader of the "free" world.
Very perceptive, Mr. President. It is hard for some--the typical wet-blanket crowd!--to see the good in this right now. Like those thousands of people still waiting to be rescued as their lives hang in the balance on Day 4 of this fiasco! And by the way, as FEMA chief Michael Brown insinuated over and over in his cringe-inducing TeeVee interviews with Paula Zahn and Ted Koppel ... those who don't see the good in this situation happen to be the same lazy, good-for-nothing people who didn't evacuate when they were told to! No one ever wants to address the elephant in the room: just how damn lazy and annoying the poor, the elderly, and the seriously ill can be!
But anyway, like President Bush says, once "those people" are gone and out of our hair, we're gonna have a fantastic Gulf Coast. Like it was before!
Well actually, I don't know about that. After all, this is New Orleans we're talking about. You know... one of the nation's historic treasures. The architecture. Irreplaceable artifacts. Cemetaries. American history. Uniquely American cultural melting pot. Jazz. People that lived there ... It's all gone. It's like, you can't blow Paris off the map and say "The good news is, we're gonna have a fantastic new Paris!"
Okay, maybe Paris analogy wasn't the best to use on a red-blooded, Freedom Fries-munchin' crowd. My bad.
The New Orleans Times-Picayune was not operating yesterday. To use a famous expression of dear old Dubya, the newspaper experienced a "temporary disruption" when its offices were turned into an aquarium by Hurricane Katrina. But that's not the point.
This morning, the Times-Picayune was existing in online form only, while it looked for a new home above sea level. It had some forums for survivors -- an "I'm Okay" forum as well as a heartwrenching "Missing Persons" forum. Thousands of posts, each beginning with the names of people and families who have disappeared from the face of the earth. Suddenly, within the endless list of names, I recognized a familiar one: "President George W. Bush." The post continued its plea:
"The Mayor of New Orleans and the Governor of Louisiana have had to beg for the President's help just as the victims trapped in their attics are begging for help. Why? Is he so uncaring that he would allow these poor people to die? These are his citizens. They may not have voted for him, but that is not a reason to turn his back. It was Sunday when he promised hurricane relief. This is Friday and where is that relief? What difference does it make if these people of poor, rich, white or black? This is their country and where is their President?"
"I'm really not lookin' forward to this trip. I wanna go to the new, fantastic Gulf Coast. Not the old, fucked-up, Negro Gulf Coast. Yuck!"
Recommended: New Orleans Mayor Nagin's radio interview from yesterday.
Out of all the politicians I've heard so far, Mayor Nagin is the only one that doesn't recite how great things are going with that creepy, glassy-eyed smile on his face. In contrast to President Bush's absurd platitudes of rebuilding a "fantastic" Gulf Coast, Mayor Nagin came right out and said it:
"People are dying. They don't have homes. They don't have jobs. The City of New Orleans will never be the same, in this time."
In a world of deal-making zombie whores, Mayor Nagin appears to be the only human left standing, and sobbing.
Sept. 1, 2005 - President Bush, Asshole of the Century
In the face of Hurricane Katrina's obliteration of the Gulf Coast and the people who live there, I'm not sure which is my favorite video clip demonstrating what a complete subnormal a-hole the President of the United States is. There's just so many!
But it's probably the video of the President stepping out of his helicopter holding that cute little black toy dog in his arms ... then suddenly throwing it on the ground when he sees all the cameras. Finishing up with a nice scowl for the photographers.
Didn't he think ahead of time that holding that cute doggie would make him look inappropriately casual for the occasion? Didn't he know that the cameras would be waiting once he got out of the helicopter? Isn't he used to that by now? Oh, right, he isn't, 'cause he just got back from vacation. A verrrrry long vacation. And yet the newspapers keep saying he "cut it short". Wait a minute, today is Sept. 1st! So how long was his vacation originally supposed to go till? November? Oh, but the Secretary of State was also seeing a Broadway musical last night and buying $3,000 Prada shoes today while corpses laid uncollected and people went on their third day without food or water, so okay. It's National Lampoon's Natural Disaster Vacation!
Anyway, even if he was mad about having to cut short his loooooong-ass vacation, it wasn't the doggie's fault! Oh, but it was funny when he just winged it to the ground. He looked so pissed off ... not the dog. Bush! You had to have seen it.
Or maybe it was when he was being interviewed by Diane Sawyer, when she asked him to respond to criticism (oh no, you don' wanna go there, bitch!) about his response to the disaster. You know, about him waiting too long to respond and shit.
As usual, the President got all snotty and defensive and acted like he was the victim. And, with that all-too-familiar creepy yet hateful smirk, he lurched towards her like a cobra and spat, "Of course, you'll always have those people who want things to happen yesterday."
Holy shit. Here he is, the Commander-in-Chief of the nation, talking shit about the hurricane victims! They're not natural disaster victims who've lost everything. They're complainers. They're "people who want things to happen yesterday." Poor President Bush, getting nudged by all these annoying, whiny, asshole hurricane survivors. Stellar!
Here in Europe, people are scandalized. Everyone is saying the same thing: "But... how can the richest country on earth just let its own people rot there in the sun? It looks like a Third World country over there! Why aren't they doing anything about it?" Oh, those Europeans, you gotta love 'em. They're just so charmingly naive sometimes.
Haven't they noticed what color most of these people are? I mean, hell-o, do I have to spell it out for you? Yes, the flood victims live in America, and no, they're not Mexicans, but still ... they're not really "our people." They're just a bunch of, well, people who want things to happen yesterday. A big chunk of the U.S. has been a Third World country for quite a while now. Oh, those pampered Europeans with their universal medicine and government aid and good schools, they're like Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. Adorable!
