Two years of intimate personal goodness! The content of each page is briefly summarized for your reading convenience. Click on the dates below to read what was going on in my silly life at that time.
Current Diary
Sept. 15, 2005 - Jan. 2006 Last gasp of writing before a long break.
Sept. 1 - 14, 2005 Thousands drown in a hurricane while the President impresses supporters by strumming his new autobiographical tune, "George Cockaround."
Aug. 16 - 29, 2005 Phone call from my landlord, plastic surgery nightmare starring Christopher Reeve, the Ramones documentary, the local prostitutes, my music teacher, Elvis's birthday dinner, canine-friendly visitors from the Islamic Republic of Iran.
July - Aug. 2005 A cruise from hell, the dead city of Venice, the Universal Film Guy, my creepy neighbor.
Jan - May 2005 More peculiarities to living in Barcelona: my Spanish Open Mic, casting the new Pope, Actimel addiction, Spanish cursing, Elliot Smith, Expat Blues, Jew Outta Water, organ donation, the lamest Hedwig ever.
Oct - Nov. 2004 Smokin' Grandma revisits Barcelona, more dick-shaped architecture, my cute neighbor, American "democracy" in action, lessons on success and old age, Ann Coulter: botox monster!
July - Sept. 2004 "George Bush Monkey" struggling to answer a question on "tribal sovereignty" without knowing what it means, why Barcelona's racism is much better than America's, fun dong-shaped architecture!
May 4 - June 23, 2004 Return to Spain for exciting new Spanish adventures!. . . Plus, download the new John Ashcroft Love Song!
April 15 - 28, 2004 Goodbye to Discotown!
April 1 - 14, 2004 Getting ready for WW3; snails; Mr. Tacos' new video; Uncle Bobby reviews "The Passion of the Christ".
March 2004 Fashion philosophies, sexual harassment, self mutilation, the latest shameless Bush antics, Spaulding Grey; toilet love.
Feb. 2004 Back to the '80s, "Fetish of a Woman's Fart", yoga, Janet Jackson's terrorist tit, Joel Wachberger, the creepiest guy in the world, teacher appreciation, thoughts on profanity.
Jan. 1 - 27, 2004 My childhood sex idol Kitten Natividad, Michael Jackson's "not guilty" plea, "Where Did I Come From?", skeletons in closets/buggers on walls, my first financial steps.
Dec. 16 - 31, 2003 Cooking Christmas dinner for bums, Charlie Shannon's death, "homo marriage", Spanish peep shows, smelling butts, Elliot Smith, viagra spam, the Thurmond & Farrakhan Soap Opera.
SPAIN (& America) DIARY #4: Dec. 1 - 15, 2003 - Our lovely British friends, Spain's Erotic Museum, self-mutilation, Ape Rape, my new fansite & #1 rabid fan, songwriting with Peter Sellers, & that hilarious Saddam!
SPAIN DIARY #3: Nov. 15 - 30, 2003 - The beautiful world of bidets, why Americans are fat and drunk, the bodacious Boqueria, neo-Nazis, rustic ruminations, Dick Manitoba, and it sucks being back.
SPAIN DIARY #2: Nov. 5 - 11, 2003 - Our Sexy Spanish Photo Shoot, illegal bars, filthy Spanish slang, nut-house discoteques, pseudo-celebrity encounters, and the world's only (dying) albino gorilla.
SPAIN DIARY #1: Nov. 2 - 4, 2003 - Me and the Original Smokin' Grandma begin our (mis)adventures in Barcelona, Spain! Our big Spanish debut, Mr. Tacos' hardcore Spanish fans, the U.S. dollar as toilet paper, & CNN and the journey to the calzotada!
Oct. 17 - 29, 2003 - My funny Greek landlords, Planned Parenthood, awful anti-drinking music, videos of me & Maria Bamford telling Spanish jokes, Fucking Awesome Salad, Kaption Kontest, my Home Depot commercial... and my city's burning.
Oct. 1 - 15, 2003 - Yom Kippur loss & atonement! Pubes in my chocolate. "Dueling Jewfros." Diet disaster. Be my bro's g-friend. Buddhist wedding. My drunk friend Clara. The Power Pee. Grief, the Confidence Builder!
Sept. 21 - 30, 2003 - My birthday. Vegas. "Stickouts." Crying in front of strangers. My fucking awesome fat dad on a raft. My new job. Be my brother's girlfriend. Corporate dress codes. Big fat prizewinning 17" dicks.
Sept. - 20, 2003 - Killer Killer. YummyTit. Devin the Dreamy D-town Intern. Be my bro's g-friend. Me & Mike Tyson had the same manager. The giant asteroid. Vacuuming my bed. The LA Foot Perv strikes again!
Aug. 23 - 31, 2003 - Email terrorism, "Dress for Retirement Day" & other examples of the mediocrity of corporate culture, how I was gay 'til I was 8, how to slaugher ants quickly and effectively, Tony Bennet, and a drunken entry.
Aug. 17 - 22, 2003 - The Fabulous Baker Boys blows, my brother & General Abizaid, Fellatio Park, ant holocausts, the worst-dressed couple ever, a Complicated Evening, and I'm "Going to Spain".
Aug. 1 - 15, 2003 - Possibly my most miserable diaries ever. More emails stolen from my temp job as evidence of corporate mediocrity; Farhad, the Middle Eastern Casanova; my "several boyfriends"; why thongs suck.
July 16 - 31, 2003- I take it back. July sucked big donkey dicks even worse than August. How did I not kill myself? My horrible temp job; my terrible high school math teacher, Mr. Hummel; early risky behavior; vacuuming the bed.
July 1 - 15, 2003 - My First Pervert, JLo in Gigli, (can you even believe that movie really happened?), a list of everyone/thing that I've slept with, the fucking ants, the verminous Senator Rick Santorum, my crap jobs.
June 16 - 30, 2003 - Re-gifted panties, Charles Ives, World Trade Center memories, my hip childhood rabbi, insufferable conversations about God, retaliatory poop at Fred 62, horrific corporate vignettes.
May 30 - June 15, 2003 - Re-entering the exciting world of temping, new proof that LA will be swallowed by the earth's shifting crust, Hot Carls & Reverse Cowgirls, my philosophy teacher Mr. Juergen, exciting social encounters in the LA subway, Britain's official "Faggot Family", me & Smokin' Grandma's Unwanted Ass Expansion.
