ASK MR TACOS!  Advice from a cat who may or may not give a shit.
Dear Mr. Tacos,
My mother-in-law is driving me up the wall! After since last March, when her husband passed away, she has been living with my husband and I. We are happy to provide her with a home, but seems not a day goes by without her criticizing, berating, or humiliating me. I know it must be a hard adjustment for her, and I've tried to be supportive and patient. But it seems every time I give an inch, she takes a mile! Meanwhile, my husband's inability to stand up to his mother is creating tension in our relationship. I want to do the right thing and be a good daughter-in-law, but I'm at my wit's end. Help!
Going Looney in Louisville
Dear Looney:
Take mother-in-law. SCWATCH, SCWATCH. SCWATCH MOTHER-IN-LAW! Sniff. Sniff, sniff. SNIFF MOTHER-IN-LAW. Lay down, expose belly. LICK BALLS. Mowwww!
Dear Mr. Tacos,
I'm pretty desperate and I hope you can help me. I'm a 20-year-old Christian college student and a proud virgin. I intend to hold onto my chastity until I'm properly married to the woman of my dreams. But unfortunately, I'm having a lot of troubles with temptation right now. I've got a pretty wild roommate, and between the girls from secular colleges that are always visiting him and his big Penthouse collection, I find myself having lustful feelings quite often. In fact, so much so, that I'm ashamed to say I've gotten into the habit of looking at his Penthouses while using the bathroom! I feel terrible about it, but this way at least I don't think about messing around with the girls as much.
I'm trying to decide whether I should stick with the occasional relief with the Penthouses while avoiding dating altogether, or if I should transfer to another dorm and start over clean. But it's a big step. What strikes you as the right choice?
Worried Sick
Dear Worried:
SNIFF Penthouse. Run lips and fangs along protein-coated edges. Purr, purr. Sit down, lift leg, LICK BALLS. Fall asleep. Mowwww!
Dear Mr. Tacos,
Ever since I divorced my wife and lost my roofing job, I've relied on six-packs of Bud to keep me on an even keel. But lately it seems like every day the world just gets more miserable. Terrorist attacks, natural disasters, corrupt politicians, war, violence .. .it never ends! It's really getting to me. I don't even like to get out of bed anymore. My friend Smitty (not his real name) tells me I should see a shrink. I guess if Tony Soprano can do it, so can I. But it still makes me feel kind of weak and girlish. What should I do?
Living in the Pits in Pittsburgh
Dear Pits:
SMELL world balls. BITE world balls. BITE, BITE, BITE balls of world!
Dear Mr. Tacos,
I'm a faithful reader of our column, but I have to tell you that you really blew it with the advice you gave "Screamless in Seattle." If her man isn't turning her on sufficiently in bed, then she should be active and vocal about it. That's the only way a guy that clueless will get the message! Instead, you told her to "lay down, yawn, SLOWWWWWLY close eyes, eat fish from garbage." Terrible! Not even SCRATCH BALLS, SNIFF BUTT or even DESTROY MATTRESS. How can you expect to help 21st century couples when you give 20th century advice? I believe you did "Seattle" a disservice.
A Faithful Fan
Dear Faithful:
*Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.*
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