SUBTITLE: "My biggest musical influence was 'Sesame Street'"

She wanted to be a dancer, but she always ended up choreographing absurd dances, surrounded by computer programmers that moved awkwardly around the stage while trying to follow the strange instructions of the most unusual choreographer in the world. She also took piano lessons, although what she really liked was... "Sesame Street"! Unable to be anything else, Rachel Arieff dedicated herself to comedy. And she has succeeded. The aspiring dancer has created personas such as Nancy, the secretary covered in blood, or Pepper Childs, the sexy model in a wheelchair, and has appeared without pants in front of the World Trade Center (before the tragedy) and begged for money from executives leaving their offices. Now she's making her debut in the music world with her album, "How To Be Happy All the Time". What follows is our chat with Ms. Arieff.

What gave you the idea to record an album?

I studied classical piano from age five to 12, but was always limited to playing other people's music, never composing anything myself. When I went to college, I resumed my music studies. But my professor was only interested in avant-garde composers like Varese, and that just made me more intimidated about writing my own music, because I thought nothing I could write would be good enough. When I graduated college, I started doing stand-up comedy, because I didn't know what else to do, and I had always made fun of everything. Finally, I decided to write music and mix it with comedy, because this is how I felt most comfortable approaching it, so that no one would take it seriously. If I mixed comedy and music, I wouldn't feel as embarrassed or afraid about making music. I've always had an inferiority complex about my music.

Do you play your music in shows?

Yes. Before, I only did stand-up comedy, but now I also do music shows. It's very entertaining, funny, and surprising to audiences, and it gets a great response. When I perform in music clubs, people remember me, because they're used to seeing shows where the artists only play, and my shows are different. We have a vaudeville-type show, and I have a girlfriend who sometimes tap-dances while we play, so it's very different.

When you decided to try your luck with music, did you have stage fright, or was it easy from the beginning?

I don't have stage fright when I play music. It's harder to do comedy, because you only have one goal: to make people laugh. Music is more open. You can have a wide range of reactions and feel good about what you're doing.

Talk to me about your musical influences.

My biggest musical influence is "Sesame Street". I think the music from "Sesame Street" was wonderful. It was very American, very Broadway, but at the same time it was rock and roll... I also like early Randy Newman. And I don't know if he's influenced me or not, but I admire Tom Waits's music. I also think he's very funny. He's one of the people I'd most love to meet one day.

I had the opportunity to see him on the "Mule Variations" tour, and it was incredible to see how he mixed music with comedy and spoken word.

That's what I like about him, the fact that he's not just about one thing... He's funny, he's sad, he's rough, he's sweet.... and his music is honest and inventive. I admire him a lot.

It makes sense that you also like Randy Newman, because he's another artist that in his early years fused music with dark comedy and created great works. His words are as important as his music.

Yes. I also like David Bowie. I love his glam period. I like to wear costumes on stage, just like him. Besides, he's a great songwriter.

I enjoyed visiting your website. When it's finished, it'll be very interesting to check out regularly. Do you use the Internet a lot?

I have a very old computer and I can't listen to MP3's or anything. I live in a cave. I'm in one of the cultural centers of America, but I don't have any idea what's happening all around me.

What current artists do you like to listen to?

I like PJ Harvey, Radiohead...

What can you tell me about the L.A. rock scene?

I'm just now starting to go to rock clubs. Before, I would spend all my time in comedy clubs, but now I go more to rock clubs, and there's one band I really like, the Kelly Mantle Band. I need more time to see bands. I need a millionaire to support me, and in exchange, I would clean his house naked or something like that.

You were born in Milwaukee, right?

Yes. I had a great childhood in Milwaukee. I grew up with my parents and two brothers. My younger brother is in the Air Force, so we expect him to be flying to Iraq soon. No one ever beat me, no one dropped me on my head, I went to good schools, and my parents have a great sense of humor. In 1954, my father ran for Homecoming Queen, and almost won. Maybe he wasn't the most beautiful, but he had a great personality. [Laughs] I went to a very permissive college in Ohio, and lost most of my intelligence there. I finally did get my diploma, my piece of paper that said I'd learned some things, but I don't think I really did.

How did your parents react when you decided to become a comedian?

They supported me. They were very patient with my long and interminable journey towards failure. [Laughs] They didn't always understand it, but they were patient. They don't necessarily like everything I do, but they've never said, "Don't do this," or "You're not our daughter anymore and you're gonna burn in hell."

What made you decide to do stand-up comedy?

I wasn't even really into stand-up comedy. I tried to do music, but my teachers kept telling me I should be a comedian. I never thought I'd end up doing comedy, but here I am. I also tried to be a dancer, but I was fat and bulimic, so that wasn't a very good plan. [Laughs] Besides, when I went to ballet classes, I would always take off my socks, ball them up and put them between my legs, and dance around, shouting, "I'm a male ballet dancer!" Then, when I started choreographing, I would use Modern Lovers songs, and the people I picked to be my dancers were always people that didn't know how to dance - math majors, or computer programmers. I would choose men that felt really uncomfortable with their bodies. I would always end up making funny dances. So when I realized I wasn't gonna make a living being a fat, bulimic dancer, I moved to Austin after graduation and began to perform in stand-up comedy clubs. The first club I performed in used to be a strip club, and they still had the stripper pole from floor to ceiling. That's where I did my first stand-up comedy set, and I was horrible. I had no idea how to write jokes. Most comedians are horribly unfunny when the first start. But God is good to us and doesn't let us realize how horrible we are, which allows us to continue doing it.

I've always thought it would be incredibly difficult to be alone onstage and have to make a group of people laugh for a whole hour.

Yes, it is. But these days, American comedians rarely get a full hour onstage. In the eighties you could, and you could have a good career doing stand-up. But today, there's an incredible saturation of comics, people have lost interest in stand-up, club owners don't pay well, and I personally don't enjoy going to comedy clubs anymore. I like musicians and comedians that give something of themselves when they perform, people that are honest and have personality. But I'm not interested in seeing someone simply telling jokes; I don't want to see someone tell jokes that anyone else could tell. I like to see a show that's totally personal. I like to see someone that's totally chaotic onstage; to see them have a nervous breakdown onstage. I like unpredictability.

What's your opinion on David Letterman, Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno?

David Letterman's my favorite. I don't like Jay Leno very much as a comedian or host. Although I met him in a restaurant and he was very nice to me. I'm always making fun of Jay Leno, but if he invited me to be on his show, I'd be there in a heartbeat, because I'd love to perform in front of such a huge audience.

A lot of people say that Jay Leno is a nice, gracious guy in real life, but the humor in his show is very conservative and old school.

I don't think his material is funny, and I don't think he's a good host, because he's always kissing the guests' asses. Letterman is much more interesting, he has an aggressive personality, he's cranky... I'd love to meet Letterman.

And what do you think of Conan O'Brien?

Conan is good. His show is interesting. I really liked his collaboration with Andy Richter. One time when I was sidekicking in a show, Andy was in the audience. I was very nervous. [Laughs] His wife bought my CD, and I talked to them for a while. They'd just had their first child, and I congratulated them, and Andy responded: "Yeah, and he's not even retarded!"

Did you like Johnny Carson in the late '70s?

He was good, but I don't know much about him because I was too young to stay up that late and watch TV. I could only watch shows like "Little House On the Prairie" or "The Donny and Marie Show" or "Starsky and Hutch". I used to fantasize about hooking up with Paul Michael, what's his name?

Paul Michael Glaser.

Yeah. I always went for the dark guys.

It's curious you preferred Starsky; most teenage girls preferred Hutch.

Yes, I liked Starsky. I always liked dark-skinned, dark-haired guys, although now I only like bald ones.

I suppose you also liked Saturday Night Live in the '70s?

Yes. I remember the first time I saw it, I must have been about four years old. We were on a family trip and my mother said, "We have to watch Saturday Night Live!" It was when Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, and John Belushi were in the cast. Today my mom likes to watch Rush Limbaugh, so everything changes.

Did SNL influence you as a comic?

Yes, SNL and Second City. A lot of people on SNL, like Gilda Radner and Bill Murray, came from Second City. The best thing about that period was that the performers didn't repeat the same schtick over and over like they do now.

Did Spinal Tap influence you too?

I love Spinal Tap. I like all of Christopher Guest's movies. People still talk about Spinal Tap. They still tell Spinal Tap jokes. I did the other day. I was buying a guitar, but I don't know anything about guitars, so the salesman was explaining how everything on the guitar worked, and when he showed me the volume knobs on the guitar, I said, "Does it go up to 11? Don't point at it. Don't look at it! Don't even look at it!"

A few months ago, Spinal Tap played in LA.

I know, but I couldn't go because I live in a cave. [Laughs]

Why did you decide to move to New York?

There was a manager there that convinced me to move to New York. I thought, "Great! I'm gonna get famous!" And once I got there, I proceeded to starve. But that's nothing new; I'm used to it. I spent four years there. I moved from Austin to New York with a guy that smacked me around. [Laughs] As you can see, I like to end my sentences with a bang. We were really in love. I discovered that New York had everything: cabarets, drag shows. Everything I love was in New York. There were lots of weird clubs and freak acts. You could go to a comedy club on an open mike night, that was in theory supposed to be a comedy show, but it was never just that. You'd have strippers that would get onstage with a knife, twist it around inside their pants, dance to techno music, and talk about being raped, and when they finished, they'd get applause. There was a lot of variety. I met my husband there, in one of those weird clubs. He didn't do standup; he was more of a spoken word performer. But his monologues were really funny, and I fell in love with him instantly. We got married in the bar next door to the club.

If you liked New York so much, why did you decide to leave it for LA?

My agent had an office on the West Coast, and I thought I'd have more opportunities there.

You've said you hate a lot of things about LA. I suppose you're not a big fan of the sun...

I can't stand the sun.

You're in the wrong place, then.

Yes, I'm definitely in the wrong place.

Was moving to LA a big culture shock for you? New York and LA are opposite worlds.

Yes, it was a culture shock. It was hard, because I was used to being surrounded by millions of people, not having to drive, and if you didn't know what to do on a given night, you just walked down the street and found something going on. You'd see new places opening up all the time. It's a great place to do shows, the clubs are always full, while in LA, no one goes to shows. They'd rather stay home and watch The Sopranos. [Laughs] In LA, people plan their evenings ahead of time. They don't wing it like in New York. There's also more variety in New York. In Hollywood, where I live, everyone looks the same: white people and blonde chicks with boob jobs. It's less interesting.

But there's an underground scene that's very much alive.

Yes, that's true. But you have to find it.

You had a cameo in the film "Clockstoppers". How did that go?
It went well. I had a very small part. The director was Jonathan Frakes, one of "Star Trek" fame. They hadn't told me he would be at the audition, so when I saw him, I was like, "Aaahh!" But he laughed very loudly during my audition, which I felt good about, and I ended up getting the part.

Are you interested in appearing in more films? Some people find the whole film making process very boring.

How lucky they are to be able to complain about that. I myself am planning on doing a snuff film to jump-start my career.

[Laughs] It will be a short career...

Yes, [Laughs] it will be short but brilliant.

One of the funniest characters you do is Pepper Childs. How was she created?

Pepper Childs came about when some of my friends, who put on this very funny stand-up comedy show, asked me to play a sexy minor character, just window-dressing for the show. It's a game show where the contestants are play by telling jokes, and my friends wanted me to play the part of the the pretty, bimbo scorekeeper. So I put on my makeup, a glamorous blonde wig, and a fancy dress. But I decided to put a twist on it, and I went onstage in a wheelchair. And that's how Pepper Childs was born. Her story is, she used to be a big billboard model, like Angelyne or those other models in sleazy billboard ads around Hollywood. But Pepper had a freak modeling accident and ended up in the wheelchair.

What can you tell me about your shows "Success Story", "Love Life", and "Hi, I'm Brittany and I'm Rotting!"?

Well, in the four years that I lived in New York, I worked as a secretary in a very sterile office environment. I had a lot of free time on the job, and I was able to write my shows in the office. But the repressive office atmosphere affected how and what I wrote. You know, you have to look a certain way in an office, you can't look sloppy or dirty... I didn't have money to buy nice office clothes, so I wore really cheap, $10 suits, and everyone in the office knew, and I stood out like a sore thumb. So this inspired a lot of the sketches I wrote, like "Nancy, the Office Assistant Who's Covered in Blood". Nancy is me, basically. I didn't look professional enough for the office, and I smelled, and the people there treated me like a piece of crap. And that's what gave me the idea: What would happen if I came to the office one day covered in blood? Or naked? Would they throw me out, or would they let me finish up the work day?

What was your "Love Life" about?

It was about living in New York and being constantly sexually accosted wherever you go. It was also about being lonely, and wanting to sleep with anyone out of pure loneliness. Or about falling in love with a homeless guy because you like his subway begging routine, and his antics get you hot. Most of my material is based on my own experiences, about my personal feelings of freakishness and failure. As you can see, there's an abundance to choose from. For example, the title character of "Hi, I'm Brittany, and I'm Rotting!" came from the fact that I've always felt like I was rotting inside. The great thing about the office environment is that everyone's supposed to look cheerful, and everyone has their professional face on, but underneath the smile, they really want to kill themselves. Sometimes I didn't have enough money to buy food, so I'd only eat cookies, coffee, and maybe a hot dog from a street vendor. I'd feel sick, I'd be shaking, and I'd have to spend the whole day sitting at a desk, so I'd start to feel like I was rotting.

What kind of show are you working on now?

It will be a mix of music and monologues. I'll play the piano and tell stories... I won't be telling jokes as much as acting out autobiographical stories, stories that other people can relate to. And I hope to go to Europe and do it there. I'll talk about being bulimic, living with a guy that beat me, all that wonderful stuff. [Laughs]

Who are your favorite comics today?

I like Chris Rock. He's a great comic, and he always has something to say. He's someone that breaks the mold, he's very smart, and he fights against the Hollywood system. He shatters the stereotypical Hollywood idea of what a black comic should be. I also love Bill Murray. He has a great personality, and he's very comfortable and confident with himself as a performer.

I suppose you don't like Andrew Dice Clay very much.

He's not my style. [Laughs] His style is outdated. I've never seen him live, but I don't really care to.

Do you identify more with Sandra Bernhard?

Yes. She's very talented and is a nonconformist. She's been a great inspiration to me. I don't do the same thing she does, but I like her a lot. She also has a huge gay following, like me. [Laughs]

What do you think of Lenny Bruce?

He changed history, he made everything move forward. I'm not going to try to imitate him, though. He appeared at the moment it was necessary, he opened new doors, and he made an impact on everyone. In recent times, there's been people like Bill Hicks, and then there's been stupid people that, in the name of Lenny Bruce, are just offensive but have nothing to say. One thing I learned from Lenny Bruce is to not do drugs. [Laughs] Heroin doesn't make you funny. Booze makes you funny. But not heroin.

Nor that goddamned cocaine.

I've only tried it once, and I didn't like it at all. Although, it could have been the bad company I had with me when I did it. Here's some good advice about drugs: don't try drugs for the first time with complete assholes. Do drugs with nice people.

How does someone like you view American society?

America stinks! [Laughs] I only said that 'cause that's what people want to hear. America is a great country to live in, but it has a lot of problems. One of the worst problems is our educational system, drugs, and the fact that every generation is dumber than the one that came before it.

What do you think of George W. Bush?

My friend [Laura House] says in her act how great it is, how far America has come as a country, to finally elect its first retarded President. I don't think it's easy to be George Bush, to be president of a country that's been attacked.

Are you interested in politics?

I used to be a left winger, but every day I realize more and more that Jimmy Swaggart was right about everything. For example, I've recently learned that Jews have horns and a tail. Being Jewish myself, this is something I've grown to accept about my people: that we all have horns, and maybe half a tail. Okay, this is a bad excuse, but I'm so busy working and trying not to kill myself that I don't have time to read the paper. There are also many newspapers that aren't even worth reading. What am I gonna read? USA Today? It's hard to know what's really going on, because the media itself is a business. So I guess I should just shut my mouth and be a good American. Besides, I'm not even sure if I know how to read anymore. I should get tested. I don't know. I'm retarded. I think we have a problem with firearms...

[Laughs] Yes, you probably do.

I have a hunch. I'm getting a sense that we may have a gun problem in this country. I have a feeling that some of these shootings maybe shouldn't have happened. Maybe I read it in the paper, or maybe it's a psychic feeling, or maybe God told me so, but yes, I do believe that we just might have a problem with guns over here.

You should ask Charleton Heston what he thinks.

I don't know if I'd get a very coherent answer from him. It might be better to ask him about tortillas or something else. In fact, I happen to be looking at a picture of Charleton Heston right now, holding a big, huge rifle in the air.

I know the picture you're talking about. In fact, we have it up at the office. It's a delirious image. The main result of Charlton Heston involving himself in the firearms issue is that, at this point, people are starting to remember him more for his obsession with firearms and pistols than for his acting.

When I think about Charlton Heston, I think about him in blackface, playing that part in that Orson Welles movie...

Yes, "Touch of Evil". Great film, but it did look strange to see what was obviously Charleton Heston playing the part of a Mexican. I don't think he was able to pull it off, but...

You know, one of my biggest career goals is to play the part of Antonio Banderas in his bio-pic. I want to be the first woman to play the part of a Latin, male heart-throb.

Let's not go there. Every time I go to America, everyone starts to talking to me about Antonio Banderas and Julio Iglesias.

At least they don't mention Enrique... I'll bet a lot of Americans confuse Spain with Mexico.

All the time.

At least I know my geography. When I went to Barcelona, I thought it was the most beautiful city in France. Although I kept thinking, "These people speak shitty French!"

[Laughs] Someone recently sent me a package, and they'd put the following address: "Barcelona, Spain, Italy". Of course, I never received that package.

They weren't sure if it was in Spain or Italy, and they probably thought the postman should figure it out for them. I'd like to go back to your question about George Bush. [Rachel's voice completely changes, and during the following minutes, she analyzes America's foreign policy in a very serious tone] America has made a mistake in the way it exports its values, like freedom and democracy. And we have duplicated overseas the problems we have at home, like the neglect of education. If we thought more about the world around us, and used our power to spread the values that we believe in, like democracy, and didn't limit our role in the world simply to economically exploiting other countries... if, instead of letting our corporations simply plunder poor countries' natural resources, and using their military to silence their own people that oppose our policies, if we had concerned ourselves more with strengthening their educational systems and their economic well-being, maybe these people wouldn't have ended up in a repressive society, using the weapons we ourselves had given them against us. Fundamentalism is a problem in any society, and it comes from a lack of education. It's easy to manipulate groups of people that don't have education or economic power. You're laughing at me, aren't you?

[Laughs] No. You've answered the question well.

I'm not gonna try to give any more serious answers to your questions. I'm so embarrassed of everything I've just said. I don't have much experience speaking in public. I live alone in this house, with bars on the windows, two cats, and no husband, and I only speak in monosyllables. The most complex thing I say all day is: [to the cat] "Don't drink water from the toilet or I won't be able to kiss you on the mouth!" It is a great country that permits me to live this kind of lifestyle. I don't need to know anything. I can limit myself to talking to my cats, playing the piano and once in a while talking to Spain.

You have a piano in your house...

Yes. My piano is cursed. I've kept the photo of the woman that used to play it. She was an Italian opera singer, and the picture was taken in the 1940s. When she died, a girl that was engaged to be married bought the piano. She had all these hopes for her new life, and she bought the piano for her new home. But as soon as she bought it, her fiancé left her, and she was stuck with this piano that made her feel terrible, because it reminded her of the life she was never going to have. So she sold it to me. And I was married when I bought it! [Laughs] I paid $1,000 for it. My husband was wonderful, but we didn't have any money, and every time there was a financial problem, he ended up paying. I spent too much money and he suffered for it. So he told me: "You can't buy this piano, we don't have the money." I said, "But it's so cheap!" He asked how much it cost and I said, "Five hundred," which was a lie because it was really twice that much. He said, "I can't keep you from buying it, but I'd prefer that you didn't." I bought the piano, and...voilá! We got divorced! The piano is cursed. And here I am, living with these cats, unable to say anything logical about the president... this piano has made me divorced, lonely and subnormal.

[Laughs] But now you're beginning your musical career, and you're going to be a star.

Yes. I love this piano. It's done so much for me. It's changed my life. Yes, I can truly say that music has changed my life.

I hope that we'll see you soon in Spain.

Yes, when I go on my European tour.

With your music, you'll be able to meet lots of new people that you wouldn't have met if you were only doing stand-up.

Yes. Plus, I perform naked. That is truly the universal language.