"I F$%cked the Ghost of SAMMY DAVIS JR.!"

As you all know by now, Rachel Arieff is one of the most brilliant comedians to come out of America in the last decade. You were able to read an extensive interview with her in the January 2003 issue of Popular 1, but obviously many questions remain. What would be her dream date with Michael Jackson? What are her favorite drugs? Who would she like to see naked? What's her favorite music to have sex to? The answers follow.

What event in history you would like to have witnessed?

Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech.

What is the most important material thing you have?

My antique upright piano. I used to have "Earring Magic" Ken (the flamingly gay Ken doll), but I gave it to my silly brother who regifted it to someone else 'cause he was too broke to buy them a present! Now that thing's worth hundreds on EBay!!

Your favorite TV shows ever?

"Dragnet" & "The $1.98 Beauty Contest". Have you ever seen that show? It's fucking GENIUS! It was from the '70s, and Rip Taylor hosted, and all these housewives would tapdance in a bathing suit or sing or have their poodle jump through a hoop... all for the grand prize of $1.98. It was WONDERFUL!

Imagine your perfect date with Michael Jackson and please, give us some exciting details.

ON MY PERFECT DATE WITH MICHAEL JACKSON...Michael and his chauffeur will pick me up at my cheap, converted bailbondsman's office apartment above Koreatown, and shuttle us to the finest Botox clinic in Beverly Hills. We will make small talk as we sit in adjoining chairs and get injected. As our facial muscles become more and more paralyzed, it'll be harder to understand what each other's saying, so we'll just exchange meaningful looks. I'll try, as I always do, not to stare too hard at his "nose".

Then we'll be off to lunch at, I dunno, where do famous people eat? Spago? Fuck that. I'll insist we go back to Koreatown and have bimbimbap for $5.99. Or have Vietnamese, and eat pho or bun. I love the bun, which is vermicilli noodles with sliced egg rolls on top. It's always so cheap, too. But I'll insist that he pay. It's the principle of the thing! He can't stay a little baby kid forever.

Then we'll go to the Tiki Ti, a tiny little cocktail bar in my neighborhood (I love my artsy neighborhood, and I hate Beverly Hills, so sue me!) and get ripped.

We'll get special permission from the Mayor of L.A. to drive right up to the Hollywood sign, sit on top of the letters, and trip shrooms. We'll sit right next to each other on the third "O". (There's room for us both 'cause he's so skinny). We'll both be wearing extra-strong sunscreen so our extremely pale skin doesn't burn. Michael will have paid a special team of firemen to wait on the ground with nets to catch us when we suddenly decide to dive off the letters in a hallucinogenic haze.

Then we'll go back to Neverland (does he still live there?) and he'll show me all his shit & I'll ooh and ahh, especially over the giraffes and the skeleton of the Elephant Man. He'll show me how to do all the dances he did in Thriller, and give me tips on weight loss.

But then I'll be very tired and have to lay down & take a nap. He'll tenderly have his maid lay me down in a feather bed with 20 mattresses and a canopy. He'll lay down right next to me. It's all right. I know he won't try any funny stuff, 'cause I'm not a little boy. I'm a big fat lady. THE END!

What is the oddest job you had in your life?

The oddest job I've ever had was as a punching bag for my abusive boyfriend. That was reeeeeally odd.

Who is someone you would like to undress?

Larry Flynt.

Who would you hate to see naked?

I'm sorry; I can't think of anyone I wouldn't want to see naked. Oh, I just thought of someone: my dad! Eew!

Five very special records you like?

The Pixies "Surfer Rosa", Rilo Kiley's "Takeoffs & Landings", Tom Waits's "Mule Variations" and "Rain Dogs" (natch!), Johnny Cash's new CD (especially for that first song, "When the Man Comes Around"!!!) Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust".

What things do you like to collect?

I like to collect 1960s bathing suits with the skirts, satin opera gloves, and flowered bathing caps.

Who is your role model?

My grandma. She grew up in an orphanage, was poor all her life, worked factory jobs, raised 4 kids on her own, and worked as a volunteer for 50 years at a charity. She was also very religious, very Christian, but never shoved it down our throats (we were Jewish). She was classy. And Jesus would have thought she was da bomb!

What is the first record you ever bought?

Andy Gibb, "Shadow Dancing"

What is the first rock concert you ever saw?.

Gosh, I'm sorry to say this, but I think it was Andy Gibb again... at the local fairgrounds. I guess it also depends how you define "rock", which, in this case, is "very flaccidly".

Three cool books you'd recommend:

I'm a terrible reader, but: James Ellroy's "My Dark Places" (his autobiography), Shel Silverstein "Where the Sidewalk Ends", James Baldwin's "Another Country". Also Gabriel Garcia Marquez, "Love in the Time of Cholera". Beautiful!

What is your favorite soundtrack for sex?

Señor Coconut!

If we could go backwards in time, what would the Super Comedy Show of Jerry Lewis & Rachel Arieff be like? Imagine that you have to share the stage with Jerry as a comedy duo for six weeks. Explain what kind of show we can expect.

This is how the Rachel & Jerry Show would go:
INT. CAESAR'S PALACE. RACHEL & JERRY ARE ONSTAGE TOGETHER.
RACHEL: Hey everybody! It's great to be here at Caesar's Palace!
JERRY: You're not funny because you're a woman.
REPEAT FOR 2 HOURS.
(Jerry's famous for giving a speech at the Aspen Comedy Festival a few years ago where he said women should stay out of the comedy business.)

What was your most embarassing experience on stage?

One night at my lounge show at the Ramada Inn, I drank too much, got confused, and accidentally fucked the ghost of Sammy Davis, Jr. I'll never do that again.

Which person from the past do you wish you had the chance to meet?

There's a million! But I'll narrow it down to two: Einstein & Gandhi. Except I heard that Gandhi liked to give girls enemas. But it would be worth the temporary discomfort.

What is your drug of choice?

Tylenol P.M. Cold & Flu Caplets.

Who was your favorite sex symbol when you were a teenager?

Divine.

What movie do you wish you had been in?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and All About Eve.

What man you would love to be for one day?

Stephen Hawking. But only for ONE day! I'm not that strong a person.

Suddenly you discover Mike Tyson is your lost brother. What is your reaction? And what will you do together after all these years growing up apart from each other?

My first reaction to discovering that Mike Tyson is my long-lost brother is profound sorrow that he's lived such a tragic life. That would change to profound jealousy of all his money and celebrity. So I'd call him up. When he answered, I'd yell, "You're a fucking asshole!!!" and hang up.

But then I'd feel guilty and call him back, apologize, inform him I'm his sister, and invite him to dinner at a fancy restaurant -- but tell him he has to pay. It's the principle of the thing.

At dinner, we'll both talk about boxing, music and comedy, and he'll make fun of me 'cause all I know about boxing is the movie "Raging Bull". We discuss the fact that he'd like to fuck Li'l Kim, though I prefer Queen Latifah. The food's delicious, but I have a little too much wine, and make the mistake of imitating his adorable lisp. He decks me (not hard, but he breaks my nose) and goes to jail. I bail him out (using his own money) and he feels so bad about it, he immediately transfers a million dollars into my bank account and buys me an adorable bungalow in Hollywood!

I forgive him and introduce him to the films of John Waters, and he becomes obsessed with drag queens, preferring them over real women, just like Eddie Murphy. This is a godsend, because drag queens are tough and strong, and not as easy to rape as real women, so Mike no longer has to deal with all those rape convictions. Ever-grateful to me for ending his cycle of "Rape-'N-Jail", Brother Mikey transfers another million into my bank account.

Mindful of Mike's future, I enroll him at Los Angeles Community College and he embarks on a life-changing scholarly path, eventually becoming an expert on foreign policy and Middle East affairs. Mike runs for office, becomes the Mayor of L.A., then a senator, then President. He ends World World Three (which has this day, March 20th, 2003, only just begun) after only 3 nuclear catastrophes, one of which blows L.A. off the map. A lot of people in the rest of America, especially New York, say, "Good riddance!" Mike, of course, is safe in Washington, but I die, 'cause when the missile hit, I was busy doing my laundry. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.

And we live happily ever after.

Love,

Rachole